Source Image - Morgue File
More than four months ago - on March 29, 2011 - I wrote a post with a quote from a book that is dear to me, Creative is a Verb. Here is that quote.
"There are moments when you absolutely need someone to show up like magic, not because you need something nice, but because you need your world view transformed. You need hope to be born in you. You need to know in one moment that someone believes in you. You need a kindness midwife to hold the space so you can show up like magic for someone else the next time around..."
Although it's not THE date that marks my complete and utter unraveling - it is a foreboding of what is to come. The next day - the day of my birth - I was in such a dark place that I couldn't remember the date. I had to ask a friend standing next to me. There are no words for the days that followed even after magic came in the embodiment of my father. And I feel like, after all this time, it's coming together today. The day I finished my Summer Reading Pledge - the day I finished this gem. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.
The book is all about the hardships of life and how it's possible to get through them and really live life to the fullest - with mistakes, fears, and triumphs. Patti Digh (who definitely rocks my world) has another book titled Life is a Verb and for some reason I've never been able to get through it and now I think I know why. I wasn't ready for it. My unraveling was so complete and debilitating - I couldn't see forward or think about anything other than surviving the next thing - the next moment - the next second. And after reading this book and going through the last 11 and a half months - I know one thing for sure. Life is a verb and it's not enough just to survive it - it must be lived, bare-knuckled if necessary. It seems fortuitous that I would choose this book as the last book in my summer reading pledge - which in some ways has felt like a journey back to myself. In the end - I am overcome by the themes of forgiveness, love, passion, acceptance, and perseverance...and I feel more attuned with the person I've always been. It makes it so simple to choose my next book. The book I feel I'm finally ready to read - the book in between the next pledge. So here are a few things about me that I want to remember always...
*I'm a reader. I love to read books. I love to get lost in new worlds. I love to learn new things. Life feels better with a book in the hand or purse or work bag. I never leave home without one and I never will. I will love books my entire life and it's time to make them a priority in my life despite what time of year it is - working or not.
*I'm a writer. I've always loved to write. I let my chronic illness and the damage it's done to my hands rob me of a lot of weeks and months I could have been at the computer or with a pen in my hand journaling. I have found writing to be a comfort and a healer in times of strife and I will no longer allow my love for words to be hijacked by crappy hands.
*I'm a blogger. I love this little place. I love it despite the fact I have very few readers. I love it because it's a place I can be myself - where I can speak my truth. I love this little space. I will not give up on it.
*I'm creative. I struggle with the word artist - but I will get there eventually. The truth is...I'm not an artist in the traditional sense. However, I'm creative and I express it from a very real, authentic place that I hardly ever am able to access or harness.
*I'm a movie lover. In fact - I plan on hitting three movies today as a sort of celebration that I survived the throat/upper respiratory infection of the summer of 2011. I can't wait to see these three films - I'll report there names later.
*I love to laugh. I love to be with friends and hear funny stories and just let go. It's been a long time since I've able to do that with any sense of security.
*I'm an introvert. I need time to reboot. It's who I am. I cannot be "on" all the time - and that's okay. I have plenty of wonderful things to help me reboot.
*I'm a dog-lover. I have a cat. I love her more than anything. She has gotten me through some very rough patches. I will always love her and she will be with me until one of us is no longer. However, I need a dog. I feel it in my bones. I'm declaring here and now - I will have a dog next summer - hopefully a frenchie or a boston terrier. Who knows?
*I'm a numbers girl. I'm always adding things up - time, dates, years, everything. I've done it less lately but I'm driven by numbers. It's a little weird but I'm more than happy to own it.
*I'm a believer. I believe in magic. I believe in the power of God to change all things. I believe I can make a difference. I will try to always remember that making a difference can be the smallest thing like the butterfly flapping it's wings on one side of the world. It doesn't have to be the life transforming, all-encompassing event that I use to believe it needed to be to really matter.
*I'm a survivor. I have survived loss, chronic illness, and a host of other things. I will survive and more importantly - I will live.
*I'm a lover. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my diva, banshee, bad-ass cat. I love the children I work with each day. I love...
And with that - I end this post. Times are changing around here and the hope is palpable in the air in this little abode of mine. I promise something crafty in the days to come. I apologize for not getting my promised post out yesterday. Turns out the subject of this post is like those scrapbook stories you're too scared to tell for fear of getting it wrong. I don't want to get it wrong. Tomorrow - look for a final post on my Summer Reading Pledge. I hope everyone has a lovely Thursday. Until then...
BTW: On a completely other note - I'm frustrated. Our bloggy mascot (the aforementioned crazy cat lovingly known as Tonks) is behind the LCD television standing up rubbing her head against a picture frame and looking at me as if to say bring it. Deep breaths. Double arm pump. Let the craziness begin.