I've been thinking a lot lately about choices. Sometimes I'm still that sixteen-year old girl with the attitude that 34 is so old - like my life should be static, established at this point. It's not - and as hard as I try, I don't feel 34. Over the weekend, my cousin was talking to me about how young I still was - and how many choices I had. I don't have kids or any romantic entanglements. I'm my own person, with one gnarly ass cat. I have choices - so what am I going to do now?
This happens every time I return from LA. I miss my family terribly - especially at a time like this. And I wonder what in the eff I'm doing 2/3 of the country away from the people I've known my whole life. The people I've known their whole lives. I'm finally in a job I love in a place where I have very few ties. I have friends that I love. I have things that I do - but is that a good enough reason to be living away from my family? These are the questions that plague me - and at a moment like this - who the eff has the time, inclination, or willingness to worry about finding the perfect journaling spot? I certainly DO NOT.
So that's why it's Sunday Suck Day. No layout. Just questions. I had a good friend once that helped me when I was going through a really hard time. It was my senior year in high school and I was trying to decide whether going to a secular university was the right thing for me. I feared losing the close relationship I had with God. I worried I would lose touch with my friends. I worried that this one decision would alter my life for the worse. And you know what this amazing friend said...she told me there were some people that believed there was only one right choice in life and there were others that believed that God worked in your life despite the choices or trajectory your life takes. I decided I liked the latter answer better and headed off to what I assumed could be a life of depravity and loss of all faith. It wasn't. It was just a choice. I'm not sure I would do it again - but life is just like that sometimes.
I feel like it's choice time again. Time to decide what I really want from the next few years of my life. I know I'm being way too hard on myself. I know I'm spending a lot of energy worrying about the future. I just wish I could grab a life line. I wish someone would give me the answers. I wish life were easier. I wish my family could be healthy, happy, and close. I wish I could get one of those tight hugs and hear the words I love you from my nephew. I wish I could hear my niece laugh and give me one of her looks that reminds me so much of myself. I wish I could craft without the need for perfection or the fear of it being wrong in some small way. I wish and I hope. And that's all I have energy for right now...and that's okay. I hope to be back with some crafty related project in the near future. Here's hoping. Until then...